RIP John Register

Well it happened, Jonathan's Grandfather died yesterday around 4pm. I had built up a lot of nervous energy as so how Jonathan would react, but I never could have really prepared myself for how he reacted. I expected tears, heartbreak, possibly some anger, but all I got when I got home from work yesterday was a slightly unreciprocated hug and a "I'm fine", with a tone that really meant he was what he said.

As the night wore on Jonathan seemed to get agitated mainly with the dogs, but a little with me. I think he is frustrated because he doesn't know what to do, he wants to be sad, but as he kept saying last night as a repeatedly asked "are you ok?", "It just doesn't feel real". I guess when you haven't experienced it before, it probably doesn't. I was never lucky/unlucky enough to have that feeling. My first experience with death was up close and personal. My family held hands praying around my uncle's bed as he slowly faded, and eventually died. Pretty intense, for a 13 year-old, but it definitely made death real.

I imagine Jonathan will be upset at the funeral, but I also imagined he would have been upset on getting the news, he has still yet to cry, or even show had real sadness. Some might say that's a 'guy thing'. But again my experience has been that I have seen my Brother cry, my Dad cry, and even my Grandfather cry, most of these experiences with close men in my life crying involved the death of a love one.

I guess that is not how everyone expresses the 'sadness' emotion, and I should stop trying to dictate exactly how Jonathan should express it, but something inside me tells me that Jonathan will feel a lot better if he does cry. Just like this blog is cathartic for me, and I think a good cry will be for him, but if Jonathan's history is an indicator I will need some pretty strong onions before that will ever happen.